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Post By Hatman Mon Jul 26, 2004 at 06:50:17 pm EDT |
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Hatman and the Lair Legion: Current Events | |
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“I fail to see your point Mr. Foxglove,” replied Mr. Epitome in a calm tone.
“Maybe if you got your stars out of your stripes then maybe you’d open your eyes then!” reacted CrazySugarFreakBoy! to the calm tone.
“Whoa there guys, what’s going on?” asked Hatman as he approached his teammates.
“Hatty, would you tell this guy that there is no point denying the fact that 80’s cartoons were without a doubt the best cartoons of all time!” enthused the Wired Wonder.
“Even though I’m not sure how I got dragged into this conversation, Mr. Boaz, the point I was trying to make was that the bulk of 1980’s children’s programming was nothing but one big toy commercial,” explained the Paragon of Power.
“Alright, let’s just calm down. Dream, you know I love the 80’s cartoons as much as you do, but Mr. Epitome does have a point. You know the history of the television series’ based off of major toy lines better than anybody in this room, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you,” reasoned Hatman.
“Thank you Mr. Boaz,” said Mr. Epitome.
“And, Mr. Epitome, first off you can lay off the ‘Mr. Boaz stuff; we’re teammates, you don’t have to be so formal. Secondly, while I unfortunately have to agree with your point I also have to point out that the current resurgence of 80’s pop culture is proof that while the primary purpose of those shows may have been to sell merchandise they exceeded all expectations and delighted and inspired a generation, so much that now that the generation that grew up on them is old enough to directly influence the entertainment industry these shows are back and delighting a new generation,” Hatty informed the Exemplary Man.
“Damn skippy,” chimed in CSFB!.
“Dream, you know as well as I do that you’re not going to change Mr. Epitome’s mind on the subject with your usual over-enthusiasm, and on the same note Mr. Epitome, you’re unlikely to change Dream’s mind while he’s worked up on the subject. I’d recommend that you each just go your separate ways and let the subject drop,” said the Capped Crusader.
“A sound recommendation,” acknowledged Mr. Epitome as he headed for his office, happy to be out of the conversation.
“Yeah yeah, he wouldn’t know entertainment if it came up and bit him in the flag,” mumbled CSFB! as he left for his Jem and the Holograms DVD collection. Hatman continued on his way down the hallway.
“You wanted to see me Yo?” asked Hatty as he poked his head around the corner. The thought being was gently stroking Rabito while sitting on the sofa.
“Yes, Yo is to be wanting to talk to cute-Hatty!” s/he beamed. “Please, to be sitting!” Yo motioned for Hatman to have a seat on the couch.
“What’s on your mind Yo?” asked Hatty.
“Cute-Hatty was to be being the Deputy Leader, and Yo thinks it to be a good idea to be asking for advice. “ Yo paused, still stroking the pure thought bunny. “The Cute-Legion is to be fighting, lots. Yo knows we are all to not be always getting along, but now it seems to be being worse. How am I to be fixing?”
“That’s a complicated question, Yo,” began Hatman. “I don’t think I can give you specifics on your current line-up. I’m still getting settled in and I don’t really know some of the new members very well yet.” Hat could see the slightly crestfallen look on Yo’s face.
“So all I can do is give you some general advice.” Yo perked up at this. “You’re a very unique person Yo. You’re without a doubt the kindest person I know. You’re also very insightful. Some people might miss that in you, but I haven’t. Just be yourself, Yo. Build relationships with them, and through you maybe they’ll start to get along.”
“So Yo is to be making friends with cute-Legion and then they’ll be friends too?”
“Can’t hurt to try. Positive energy breeds more positive energy.”
“Yo will to be trying, Cute-Hatty!” Yo jumped up and gave the Capped Crusader a hug.
“You’re welcome Yo,” smiled Hatman. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Al and I have some tests we need to run.”
“Bye Cute-Hatty!” waved Yo as Hatman left the room.
“You guys all set?” came Al B. Harper’s voice over the intercom. Nats, Trickshot, and Hatman all sounded their agreement. “Commencing testing run, now!”
Nats was off like a shot, his telekinetic abilities propelling him headlong at the Capped Crusader. Hatman quickly pulled a Toronto Blue Jays cap from his belt and set it on his head. Blue wings sprouted from his back, working their way through the improbable molecules of his shirt without ripping it. Taking to the air himself, Hatman avoided Nats’ initial onslaught.
That was the plan, however. Trickshot loosed a bolo arrow at Hatman, the nylon cord wrapping itself around Hatman’s newfound wings. As he plummeted to the ground, Hatman quickly switched to another cap, his wing’s disappearing. With no wings to hold, the nylon cord fell to the ground.
A rope-like substance fired from Hatman’s wrist, creating a net he could land in. Nats, who was coming around for another pass, cried out, “Hey, no fair! Spider-Man doesn’t have organic webbing!”
“Check the hat more carefully partner,” called Trickshot as he readied another arrow. “That’s a movie-Spider-Man hat; organic webbing and all.”
“That’s cheating,” grumbled Nats as he used his pyrokinetic abilities to set the net aflame. Hatman smirked to himself as he leaped from his perch to bounce off of a wall to get above Nats. He switched caps in mid-air, swapping the Spider-Man cap for his familiar Pittsburgh Steelers cap. Organic steel rippled from his body and coated him in armor. Trickshot had expected this, however, and was prepared.
“I don’t think so Hatty! This’ll bring you down to earth!” called the Arrogant Archer as he fired his magnetic arrow. Once the arrow connected it magnetized the object, or in this case subject, and Hatman instantly plummeted rapidly to the floor. Fortunately he had calculated for this and Nats was directly in his path.
“Aw crud,” swore Nats as he was slammed into the floor by Hatman’s magnetized body, his telekinetic shields partially protecting him.
“Thanks for the assist Tricky,” called Hatman as he used his enhanced strength to resist the magnetic pull of his body enough to remove the Steelers cap. Quickly he was on his feet, his Sonics cap in hand. “You think your arrows are fast? I’ll show you fast.” With that, Hatman pulled the cap onto his head.
“Let’s see about that!” called out the Flying Phenom as his eyes glowed orange. Pillars of fire erupted from the floor, forcing Hatman to constantly change his trajectory. This allowed Trickshot the time he needed to line up his next shot with his own sonic arrow.
“Check this one out Hatty,” called out Trickshot as he fired in Hatman’s general direction. The nice thing about the sonic arrow was that he didn’t need anything close to a direct hit for it to be effective; not that direct hits were a problem for the Arrogant Archer, of course. Nats telekinetically plugged his ears while Trickshot already had his earplugs in place.
The high-pitched wail stopped Hatman in his tracks, as it broke his concentration and racing in between pillars of mentally-controlled fire required all of his attention. Painfully Hatman switched to his Calgary Flames cap and concentrated.
“Fire in the hole!” he shouted before a wave of flame erupted from his body, sweeping the entire room. Nats, forewarned by Hatman, telekinetically shielded Trickshot and himself from the flames. The Hat-generated flame was not meant to injure, it was meant to destroy the sonic arrow, and so it did.
As Nats let the shield down to attack Hatman again, Hatty directed a gout of flame at Trickshot’s quiver. The archer rolled out of the way, but was not quite fast enough as Hatman managed to melt the archer’s arsenal. This left him open for Nats, who swooped in quickly and tackled the Capped Crusader.
The two wrestled on the ground, pitting flame against flame, until Nats, the more experienced in utilizing his pyrokinetic abilities, ended up on top. He telekinetically and physically held Hatman down until he heard over the intercom, “And that concludes our test! Good job gentlemen!”
Nats let Hatman up and then offered his hand, which the Capped Crusader accepted as he got to his feet. “Thanks for the work-out guys. But be careful, next time I’ll beat you,” he smiled.
“Like you could take out two of the Lair Legion’s finest by yourself,” smirked Trickshot as he made his way over to his teammates. “It’s a good thing I didn’t bring all of my arrows though; you really made a mess of my quiver Hat.”
“Sorry ‘bout that. Didn’t think you’d want me to pull any punches,” offered Hatman as he reaffixed his Calgary Flames hat to his belt.
“Say, I’m surprised to see you not use more hats, Hatty,” said Nats. “Normally you use a whole wardrobe’s worth, but today I only saw you use a few.”
“My Hatility Belt is missing,” explained Hatman. “After my funeral it was shipped back to Canada to my family, but I’ve called them and they never received it. So for now I’m limited to the six on my belt.”
“So are you going to look for it?” asked the Arrogant Archer.
“Eventually. For now I just want to get back settled in, get used to the team.”
“So what are your plans? You going to be rejoining us in whumping the bad guys first hand or are you office bound again?” questioned Nats.
“I’m not sure yet. Normally I’d ask Finny what he thinks, but he’s not here. And technically I don’t think I’ve been cleared by the government yet to operate on the field team. You know how they hate it when we get resurrected,” Hatman sighed at the thought of the mountain of paperwork he’d have to do to be fully reinstated.
“Yeah, I can relate,” related Trickshot. Being the alternate-reality counterpart to a dead guy had meant a lot of paperwork he’d made Visionary do.
“What’s Mumphrey want you to do?” Nats asked.
“He just wants me to get settled. He said that between himself and Lisa they’ve got everything covered for now.” Hatman glanced at his wristwatch. “And if you guys will excuse me, I have a couple of things to discuss with Al before my next appointment.”
“Appointment? I thought you were settling in?” pointed out Trickshot.
“I’m trying to make a point of bonding with the team, getting to know everybody. Can’t have me screwing up the team dynamic can we?” grinned Hatman as he headed to the control room to talk to Al.
“Fresh from the grave and still a work-a-holic,” commented Nats to Trickshot, loud enough that Hatman could overhear. Hatman ignored him and continued on his way.
“Nope, haven’t seen her,” said dull thudd as he reached for the mayonnaise. thudd had made it his personal mission to find some human food that the Manga Shoggoth would enjoy. He figured that a submarine sandwich was a good a place to start as any.
~After your party she’s been pretty scarce, said she was catching up on the maintenance of Covenant House~ telepathed Cressida. She was glad to see dull thudd getting involved with the Legion without drinking being involved for a change.
“Makes sense,” conceded Hatman as he assembled his own sandwich.
“Though I am not as proficient at interpreting human emotions as the rest of you,” bubbled the Manga Shoggoth, “I thought that the Sorceress did not appear to be as happy as she should have the other night.”
“Of course she was happy, her man’s back!” disagreed thudd.
~Ex-man~ Cressida did in her best telepathic simulation of a half-cough half-speech statement.
“It’s okay to talk about it guys,” soothed Hatman. “We’ve broken up, we’re moving on. We still love each other, we’re just not IN love anymore.”
“I thought that the loss of a child that signified a significant departure from her pre-determined destiny would have affected her more. I must have been mistaken,” the Shoggoth slurped.
“What’s he talking about?” asked thudd.
“How do you know about the child?” questioned Hatman sharply. “No one is supposed to know about that except Whitney and me.”
“While it was erased from three of my dimensions, the other parts of me imperceptible and incomprehensible by your human mind retained all experiences from the reality in which-”
Hatman cut the Shoggoth off. “Fine, makes sense. Can we drop the subject?”
“But we just got on the subject!” thudd objected.
~Consider it dropped, Hatty~ said Cressida as she lurched in dull thud’s stomach. ~Right Davie?~
“Ouch, fine, I’ll leave it be,” complained the roadie. “Alright Shoggy, try this on for size.” He presented the submarine sandwich to the Shoggoth.
“If you’ll excuse me,” mumbled Hatman as he left the room, his mood considerably soured.
The Shoggoth consumed the sandwich, plate and all. He seemed to swish it around a bit before breaking it down and absorbing it into his biomass.
“Acceptable, but needs more fiber.”
Hatman looked up from his Bible when he heard the knock on his door. “Come in,” he said as he marked his page and set the book aside. Lisa opened the door and let herself in.
“How’s it goin’ Hatty?” she asked.
“I’m not frozen, so pretty good I’d say,” he said as he forced a smile on his face.
“Cressida told me about your conversation at lunch. She said you were pretty upset,” ventured the First Lady of the Lair Legion. “Want to talk about it?”
“No, I don’t. It’s between me and Whitney,” said Hatman defensively. “Don’t worry about me Lisa, I’ll be fine. From what Yo was telling me the Legion has enough problems.”
“The Legion always has problems,” laughed Lisa. “But I think you’re going to be a big part of fixing our current ones.”
“You mean the constant in-fighting? I don‘t think I can do much there, I only really know half the team. Yo and I talked about this already, and Yo will take care of the situation,” Hatman assured Lisa.
“Yo’s doing great as Deputy Leader, I agree. But even Yo can’t do everything you can,” said Lisa as she sat herself down in Hatman’s desk chair.
“Yo can do anything,” pointed out Hatman. “Whatever s/he thinks s/he can do.”
“Hatty, do you have any idea how much CSFB! and Mr. Epitome verbally duke it out?” questioned Lisa.
“I haven’t been back very long but I can imagine. What’s that have to do with anything?” he asked.
“Mumphrey and I saw you break up that argument between the two from the Monitor Room. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever broken them up that easily before. You’re the perfect peacemaker.” Hatman looked ready to object to that but Lisa continued. “CSFB! looks at you as a hero’s hero, and he respects you for it. Mr. Epitome realizes that of anyone on the current field team you are arguably the most professional, at least by his terms, member. What it boils down to is that every member of this team respects you or respects what they’ve been told about you.”
“While I’m flattered by the compliment Lisa, I’m still not sure how I can bring together the team in a way that you, Dancer, and Yo can’t,” Hatman responded.
“I think just having you around will help. You may not have the title anymore but you’re still a leader of this team. People will eventually follow your example. Just do what you always do and I think things will work out,” said Lisa with a smile.
“You’re being awfully kind here Lisa. You sick or something?” joked Hatman.
“The sooner you fix this mess the sooner I don’t have to deal with it,” smirked the lawyer. “It’s good to have you back Hatty.” She stood and left the room.
“Thanks Lisa,” Hatty replied as she closed the door. Hatman smiled to himself as he returned to his reading.
This story was motivated by the simple thought of “I’d like to write a scene where Hatman breaks up a CSFB!/Epitome fight”. From there it kind of went off on it’s own and I realized as I wrote this last scene that what it accomplishes is a redefinition of Hatman’s role on the team. Now, this might be completely different from what Ian was planning, but it seemed logical to me and I tried to write it so it wouldn’t conflict with any on-going series’. This is also the first time I’ve written some of these characters so please bear with me if I butchered them horribly (and let me know if I did!). Hope you enjoyed!
~Hat~
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